at eight i
[bore] [witnessed] [suffered]
for the first time the
[gravity] [shame]
of being
[unchosen] [unloved] [forsaken]
when sister was
[violated] [stroked] [slaughtered]
by father’s
[exalting] [ravaging]
[hand] [touch] [knife].
without
[guidance] [measure]
i learned to
[carry] [gather] [disguise] [wield]
the
[depth] [burden] [severity]
of my
[presence] [envy] [being],
in vain
[evading] [seeking]
mother’s
[despair] [approval] [affection] [contention].
for ten years i
[hibernated] [wasted] [lamented]
my
[life] [youth]
shunning all hopes of
[marriage] [recovery],
[praying] [bracing]
for father’s
[merciful] [inevitable]
[homecoming] [demise].
when father finally
[returned] [died]
i
[exhaled] [burst] [fell] [abscessed]
into
[relief] [desolation] [ruin]—
*
[melted] [sunk] [ruptured] [nailed]
by
[helplessness] [inertia] [madness],
now i
[grieve] [wait]
for
[brother] [death]
to
[deliver] [strip] [thrust]
me
[from] [into]
my
[prison] [mind];
i eat only
[ashes] [air] [tears],
[abstaining] [abnegating] [rescinding]
myself,
[yearning] [craving]
only to
[know] [penetrate] [rekindle] [sanctify]
father’s
[spirit] [flesh] [tomb],
[untangling] [rearing]
my
[torment] [disillusion]
aiming to separate
[devotion] [love] [hunger]
from
[rage] [servitude] [guilt]—
every night the same
[prayer] [accusation] [ululation]
[flooding] [breaching]
the forbidden shape of my
[grief] [body]:
if only you had
[chosen] [claimed] [sacrificed]
me, mother would have
[finally loved me] [let you live].